The Unspoken

 THE UNSPOKEN

To LIFE!! You have been indeed the best teacher for me.

Happy Teachers day!

Kuch baatein ankahi si thi;

Kuch yaadein baaki abhi bhi hai,

Tere jaane ka gum hua tha mujhe,

Lekin tere aane ki kawayat aaj bhi mujhe saazish lagti hai

 

 

 

 

 

The Prologue

As she spoke on the phone, she shuddered and held my shoulders tightly. She needed to be comforted and I took her hands into mine, just as to reassure that I was there for her. As she spoke to her fiancée’ the dreaded words that it-was-over-between-them, tears started to roll from her eyes. She cut the call in a haste and turned towards me with her chin down and eyes full of tears. I had no idea how to comfort a girl who was inconsolable after her breakup. She was still holding my hand and in another instant hugged me. I looked around to check, if anyone saw us indulging in a public display of affection. She continued to sob further, and it was at that juncture that I could feel the pain she might have been going through. A person whom she loved, dreamt of spending the life together was gone, in a whiff. The thought made me emotionally overwhelmed and I caressed her shoulders to make her feel better. Never speak a word and keep mum if you are not sure what to speak when consoling a girl. I had no idea what to blabber and this is the 1^st thing I spoke out, “Look Ritika, I haven’t known you from long, but what I have known of you so far, I just want to say that no matter what happens, I will be there for you; FOREVER”. It seemed to come straight out of a romantic novel, but I had all intentions of abiding by what I just spoke. However, I was proved wrong a few months later.

 

 

Chapter 1: The 1^st encounter

“Excuse me” someone yelled in a hurried voice. When at a public place, you don’t respond to random excuse mes and that too coming from a lady would certainly not be addressed to me. I kept doing what I was best at, minding my own business. 2 seconds later, another “excuse me” and a gentle tap on my shoulders startled me. It was for me, I thought and my heart skipped a beat. The police within me started questioning me if I stared at someone, or said something aloud which I shouldn’t have. I looked back to find a lady in her mid-twenties, clad in a pink top and jeans. Her bigger-than-face shades did injustice to her otherwise pretty face. “Is this the counter for getting the online tickets?” she interrogated me. I replied with a cool “Ahaan!!” stole a glance of hers and looked in front. I was groggy having slept less than 3 hours the last night and this was the worst that could have happened, a pretty girl talking to me when I was not looking my best. I cursed my room-mate, a diehard Salman Khan fan. He somehow coaxed me into accompanying him for the 1st day 1st show of Bhai’s latest adventure, “Ek tha tiger”. I hated Salman Khan for his shitty movies, and now my roommate too, for waking me up so early in the morning, just to see a stupid movie.


The counter had not opened yet and the crowd kept coming in. I seriously expected a stampede to happen any second. People jostled their way to the ticket counter. I was genuinely concerned about the damsel in distress, who stood behind me. For a second, I thought of asking her to move in front of me, but the sight of crowd which was still coming in huge number made me change my mind. “You a big Salman khan fan”, she said as she tried to start a conversation. “Big Salman Khan fan??”. I felt as if someone abused me publicly. “Well, I was kind of forced into it. I don’t understand his logic defying films, but since it was off day and I did not have anything to do, sitting in an otherwise air-conditioned room was after all not a bad idea”. She broke into pearls of laughter. “Really, you don’t like Salman”, she questioned the sanctity of my earlier statement. “I do not lie to pretty ladies”, I tried my own ways to flirt with her. As I said this, we both laughed and I could observe a number of raised eyebrows though my peripheral vision. I hitting on a pretty lady, right in front of ever bachelor “Bhai” fans, was certainly not a very pleasant sight.


“Its so hot out here, why can’t they have a shade for the patrons at least”, she complained with her eyebrows raised. “You are at Talkie town, which offers ticket at less than half a price of what PVR does, what you expect”, would have been my usual response. “Yeah, no one cares about the customer”, I joined the band wagon and cribbed about the perils of seeing a movie. “You riding solo for the movie”, I couldn’t resist asking her. My deepest insecurities told me that, she was here probably with her boyfriend (had ruled out the fact that she was married from a single glance), or with her family, both could have been highly catastrophic for my new found profound interest in her. “I am here with my roomies”, she pointed out to gang of ladies, all of whom wore shades of different shapes and sizes. Now, I was in complete fix. Is she the one for me, or could she be my wingman, to get her prettier room-mate. I contemplated, looked at the pros and cons, and finally decided to settle in for the buck I had in my hand. “How about you?” she boomeranged the same question to me. I would have easily lied that I was alone and joined the girls gang, but I realized I had earlier told her, how I was cajoled into seeing this movie, so I had to utter out the truth.


I was still playing like a rookie before showing my prowess at impressing a chick, when the ticket counter opened with a bang. I had no other option, but to help myself with the ticket. I earned some grey points by getting her the tickets too and helped ourselves out of the crowd. It was time for the show and my room-mate who was waiting for me at the entrance started panicking. He started calling me at the same time when I had to bid adieu to my new princess. “Damn!!”, I said to myself after putting my cell in the silent mode. “Well, thanks a lot” she said. Before I could say any other word she followed it up with a “Bbye, see you around” giggled and hopped back to her gang.


I was perplexed. “See you around ??”, but how ?? Did she know me or even my name. May be she knew me from some common friends, or was she just fooling around and used me to get the tickets in the crowd. The latter made a lot of sense. I stood there brooding, feeling used and strolled my way upto the entrance of the theatre. “What happened ? Did someone kick your ass in the crowd”, my roommate joked seeing me upset. “Yeah, kind of”, I replied to him. I wasn’t sure if she used me or I let myself being used. Either ways, I had a company of a hot female in the crowd, made quite a few guys jealous in there. As we stepped in the theatre, I looked all around if I could see her or any of her friends. It was pitch dark in there and that made it literally impossible to find her. I just wanted to walk upto her and ask if she just wanted to get the tickets or striking a conversation with a random stranger was the part of her plan. I decided never to help any female unless they asked about it explicitly, ever. I decided to concentrate on the cheap samosa and popcorms rather than brood about some female whom I met hardly a minute ago.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 2: The plan

I was sure I would never see her again, even if I did, will not recognize her, and even if I did recognize her, she would pretend she did not. Never did I know that not even a month later, I would see her again, at a chaat counter, at my colleague’s wedding reception. “Oh its sooo spicy, can you get me some water”, she yelled at the same hurried tone, I couldn’t help looking back as the voice was very very familiar. Damn, it was her, with water coming out of her kohl lined eyes, induced by the extra spiciness of the chaat. She was trying hard to keep her make up intact, when she looked up and caught me staring at her.

I panicked as she continued to gaze at me. Contrary to women, men find it weird when looked at. Men are looked at mostly due to their shabby/good looks or uncanny familiar looks. In this case, it was the latter. Now I was in complete fix. The chaat counter where she hogged onto paanipuris were adjacent to the desserts where I was headed to. I wasn’t sure if should risk confronting her yet again in order to suffice my sweet tooth or help myself with yet another serving of hot piping chicken biryanis. The disgust on her face as she looked at me made me shift my loyalties towards the biryanis. This is something which I could never understand. I or rather men stare women primarily for the very same reasons why they do the same to men. According to one of my closest friend, who happens to be a female, women get all decked up for these special occasions just to be looked at. I just did the same; she was pretty as ever, looked prettier in that ‘i-am-not-sure-which’ shade of blue churidaars. And if you consider the fact that I had met her once before; oh am sorry, not only met but also helped her selflessly just a couple of weeks before, I gazing at her was totally justified. Yeah, I could have smiled at her rather than scurrying off the place; but her sudden look did scare the shit out of me.

Marred by these thoughts, I acted to listen to the group of colleagues I was sharing the space with. The buffet dinners have this unique art of balancing your plate filled till the brim, making your way in and out of the food counters and also shamelessly asking the servers for another round of servings. As I multi tasked the act of listening to my colleague’s nonchalant rant, hogging on to the food, observing every female around in the age group of 18-28, and think about the girl-in-blue-churidaars, I felt a tap on my shoulders. “Damn, not again” I thought, as I turned back. It was her standing less than a hands distance from me. I have read that the best way to impress a woman at the 1^st impression was to make an eye contact with her. Technically, it was not our 1^st meet, but I tried my best to give this trick a shot. “Have I seen you somewhere?”, she blurted with a expressionless face. Seemed more like an interrogation rather than a curiosity. “Maybe, in your dreams”, would have been my usual reply, had I been my filmy self. But I was transfixed in her deep blue eyes; NO they weren’t blue, am just exaggerating.

“Yeah, we saw the same shit 1^st day 1^st show, at the same place”, I tried to spice it up by not being upfront with my reply. Unmoved by my intellect and sense of humor, all she hummed was “I am sorry, WHAT?”. “Well, we saw Ek tha tiger, starring Salman Khan 1^st day 1^st show, at talkie town. It was a huge crowd and I helped you get the ticket. You said you would see me around, but as soon as your purpose of getting in an animated conversation with a random guy was over, you were ACTUALLY nowhere to be seen”. This time I opted to go all guns blazing and bluntly utter what the fact was in a single go to the lady who seemed nothing more than beauty-without-brains now. “Oh ok”, she said and started to leave. A moment later, she turned back and said the unexpected “By the way, HI, I am Ritika; Ritika Sharma, I work as a Software Engineer at Wipro. I could never introduce myself the other day”. Till now, I could not decipher what impressed a woman, but for that moment I thought it was honesty, which proved to be wrong a couple of months later. She still did not thank me; Can a mere introduction by a pretty lady suffice it, it just did.

No matter, I had dropped the bomb by stating obvious, but she was still pretty and I tried to play it cool. “I am anyways not gonna marry her”, the thought played in my mind the very instant. It’s weird how things change and your heart overrides the decisions taken by your mind in a split second. If an average person’s mind and heart could be considered as a couple, the heart always plays the nagging wife, while the mind is the logical husband. No matter how practical the mind is, the heart always wins the argument.

“I am Gaurav, working as Consultant at XYZ Consulting India”, I tried being my professional best. “By the way, what brings you to Rahul’s reception, how do you know him”, I spoke to her as I looked down at the chicken drumstick which though had lost its prominence now, but was next in my priority list. “Rashi is my close friend and a colleague, she invited me over”. I was hearing the name for the 1^st time. Any sane person would have guessed who could be possibly that person was, but in the heat of the moment, my common sense went for a toss. “Rashi, who?” was my instant reaction. She looked at me with utter dismay and amazement. “You were invited by Rahul and you don’t even know his wife name”. Woman, I knew where the reception was being held, I knew they would be serving non-veg, and I for sure remembered the date and time when it was gonna happen. Remembering the name of spouses while coming for a dinner reception is never a criteria. “Oh yeah, now I recollect where I saw her name, it was on Rahul’s wedding card”, I tried to play down the embarrassment. In reality Rahul never gave us any wedding card. All I remember getting on my official mail ID was a email which said “Please consider this email as my personal invitation for my wedding blah blah”. He asked me consider it as a personal invitation and I did, even contributed 500 bucks for his present, no questions asked. As I was lost in my thoughts, she bid me a good bye to join her friends.

By this time, my sub conscious mind had started to multi task, prepared a network tree and analyzed all possible ways by I could confront/meet her yet again while portraying the incident as a mere co-incidence. I knew the shortest route to my destination was Rashi, Rahul’s wife. I immediately wrapped up my dinner, tossed the soiled plate in the dustbin and headed to the podium to greet the newlyweds, as they posed with an artificial smile and tons of makeup, just to look merrier and prettier in the wedding pictures.

 

Chapter 3: The heartbreak

By this time, my sub conscious mind had started to multi task, prepared a network tree and analyzed all possible ways by I could confront/meet her yet again while portraying the incident as a mere co-incidence. I knew the shortest route to my destination was Rashi, Rahul’s wife. I immediately wrapped up my dinner, tossed the soiled plate in the dustbin and headed to the podium to greet the newlyweds, as they posed with an artificial smile and tons of makeup, just to look merrier and prettier in the wedding pictures.

I am not sure if it’s the bliss, boon or the other way round, but every newly married friend of yours makes a real effort to hook you up, or push you hard to settle in life(read get married). While they claim that it’s the marital bliss which every bachelor should experience, the same fades off once the reality dawns on to them a couple of years down the line. Marriage was certainly off my charts until I met her, and even getting ‘hitched up’ by my friend who just returned from his ‘6 nights 7 days’ honeymoon trip did not seem a bad idea either.

It’s a guy thing, that the moment I spent more than 10 seconds over lunch talking about Ritika, once Rahul was back to office, that he patted my back and said, “Let me set things up you”. While this phrase would bring in a lot of ambiguity for others, both I knew what he exactly meant. The pat on my back, a sly smile on his lips clearly told that “he would do something to get me in talking terms with her”. I was elated. I had an earnest desire to hug my brother, yeah this selfless act of his suddenly elevated his position in my life from a friend to my brother.

I week passed and nothing happened. I was getting restless and ruffled as the only source of seeing her over the past one week was her facebook page. I figured out the basic information about her, that she worked for Wipro, and her office was pretty far off from where I lived, brought up somewhere in Orissa, was a vegetarian and loved Bollywood playback singers way over Metallica or Pink Floyd. Never, I say never listen to your heart over your brain, it always lands you in trouble. My data analysis abilities clearly told me that it was an incompatible match, always destined to doom, while my heart brought in the theory of magnetism which in studied way back in higher secondary; unlike poles attract each other. I don’t know what made me believe it, as we were obviously not magnets. The only things which existed was a one sided attraction.

While Rahul was still working on his master plan, I as always being my impatient self, told about the entire attraction-which-i-thought-was-love episode to Rashi over a couple of drinks. As we were done with our office early, Rahul and I went to a closest pub. Rashi joined in a hour later. As Rahul went in for a leak, I dropped the bomb and told her how it was. “Wow”, she exclaimed with her mouth open. “That’s, that’s huge. I had no idea that you liked her and for so long”, she followed it up. I was clueless seeing her expressions. She did not jump with joy, but was not upset either. I was reminded of yet another feat which the male species had never achieved in his life, the ability to read a woman’s expression.

“He loves Ritika !!” exclaimed Rashi, the moment Rahul arrived back. Rahul gave me a what-the-fuck-you-couldn’t-wait look. The exchange of the bro code was enough for the secret to come out of the closet. “You knew about it, and never told me”, Rashi charged Rahul. I was guilt ridden for having created dents in their wall of trust. “I asked him not to tell you. I thought of handling things myself. But I need your help now.” I countered Rashi, to calm her down and take the blame on myself. She wasn’t amused. “Do you have any idea what you are getting into?”. This statement and its ambiguity did nothing to make itself understandable, but yeah did bring a chill down my spine. A lot of thoughts started churning in my head; Is he dad a local goon or a MLA, Is she suffering from a rare disorder/disease, I confused myself further. “What do you mean? Can you be a little elaborate, this entire suspense is not helping my anxiety”, I shot back at Rashi.

“She is happily is a relationship for the past 2 years, got officially engaged last week and is due to get married by the year end”, she spoke in bland tone and brought my world shattering down. I sat there expressionless. The lighted cigarette between my forefinger and the middle continued to be there. I looked down and I could feel the entire world around me standing still. I couldn’t feel anything and the numbness even made the loud music go silent. The alcohol finally seemed to have started to kick in. The news of Ritika being engaged amplified the effect of alcohol manifold and I wanted to throw up. I looked around for the signs of the nearest restroom and tissues in my table. That told me I was still in my senses but momentarily paralyzed.

“Gaurav, Gaurav, Gaurav; Are you OK”, I could hear this feeble voice and then a jolt on my shoulders. Rahul came along my side of the table and started blabbering something which I was not able to comprehend. All I could follow was “It’s going to be Ok”. I shacked off head vigorously, blinked my eyes a number of times and came back to my senses again. “The cigarette looks to be one adultered shit, gave me a sudden high”, I told Rashi who sat in a state of shock. She panicked seeing me go haywire as she broke the news to me. “Are you OK, look I didn’t mean to startle you” Rashi tried to reason herself. “No, it’s alright. You did what a good friend would do, bring the facts to table and I really appreciate it. At least it cleared off any air of unwanted expectations I might have had from a girl I hardly met twice? Yeah just twice “I said trying to be practical and reasonable. It wasn’t Rashi’s fault, in fact it wasn’t anybody’s fault. If anyone had to be blamed, it had to be my heart who fell in love with her hopelessly without checking her relationship status. “Damn, my luck”, I said to Rahul as Rashi excused herself to the washroom.

“Let’s get the heck out of air, I need some fresh air”, I told Rahul. We asked for the cheque. “Bro, we can still make it work”, Rahul tried to bring some solace to me. “It’s over dude. I am neither Madhavan of RHTDM who could woo off an already engaged girl, nor she is Dia Mirza for whom I would take so much of troubles. Remember, what happens to Jack in Titanic when he tried to get an already engaged pretty girl. He dies. I don’t want to be that person”, it was alcohol which was speaking now, but made perfect sense. That night I decided to put a lid to this episode, once and for ever.

2 days later, clad in business formals, as I waited for the lift which would take to my office floor, my phone rang. It was from an unknown number. As I took the call, the lift doors closed and I could not hear the person at the other end. I apologized and asked to call sometime later. 10 minutes later my phone rang again as I was trying to put my office desk in order. The same number. True caller did not work as I wasn’t connected to Wi-Fi. I took the call with a slight hesitation. “Hey Gaurav, its Ritika here, Ritika Sharma, We had met a couple of times, Do you recognize me”. I knew exactly who she was, someone I was trying to get over of from the past two days, but somehow God has a weird plans to bring back your memories haunting back to you time and again.

 

Chapter 4: The first formal DATE

 “Hey, how have you been? By the way how did you get my number”, I was really curious about it. “I needed a favor from you, so I asked Rashi for your number. Hope you didn’t mind me calling you up.”, she tried being a usual lady who calls up a random guy for any favors. “Damn you, Rashi”, I thought. “Yeah, tell me what was it that I could do for you?” Instead of beating around the bush, I wanted to come straight to the point. “Meet me over a cup of coffee tonight. Then I would tell you. Its my treat” she replied.  I was knocked out. The girl who was the epicenter of my thoughts, asking me out for coffee, the same girl who is already engaged, happily. I didn’t knew if I was being lucky or hopelessly pathetic. Whatever, the coffee plan did cheer me up, as this was the best I had heard in the past 1 week. “Are you asking me out on a date?” I tried being funny and a flirt at the same time. “Yeah, yeah, think whatever you want to, but CCD Madhapur, the one with a lounge at 8. Pick me up on your way to CCD. I will wait for you near Building no. 10 at 7.45?”

“Yeah, sounds like a plan. Will give you a call once I start. See you then.”, and the call disconnected. There was an obvious excitement on my face as I kept back my phone on the desk. I speculated for a good 10 minutes, about the possible reasons of Ritika calling me out of blue. It was then that it occurred to me that the only person who could answer this would be Rashi who had earlier passed on my number to Ritika.

“She needs a favor from you. She didn’t tell me what it was, but the fact that she’s been looking for job change for quite some time now has to do something with it”. This is how Rashi greeted me as soon as she answered the call. “I just called you to ask for your weekend’s plan”, I tried to ignore her information and dodge the embarrassment. “I know why exactly you called me. Ritika called me up an hour back and you calling me up now. And for weekend plans, you would have called Rahul instead”, she countered my lie with a fact. “So, you really have no idea what it is all about”, I cross-questioned her. “Look, Ritika is not my closest friend. I told you what I knew. But please don’t get all excited and have any false hopes. Ritika may be in a relationship now, but its not her 1^st one. She knows how to get her work done, and I don’t want you to fall for her”. The incident at the ticket counter suddenly flashed in front of me. “Yeah, I get it” I replied to Rashi and disconnected the call. I sat on my chair, and swung back and forth, unable to comprehend what exactly this girl was looking for. I was not sure if I should be cautious, reminding myself of what Raashi just told me, or be rather excited at the mere prospect of meeting the girl I had a huge crush upon. Somehow the call with Raashi made me introspect about the entire thing. A girl who chanced upon a stranger to get movie tickets can also make her way get through whatever she wants. I sat in front of my workstation, blankly seeing a batch process run on the console, as a tsunami of thoughts crisscrossed my mind.

I started to pack my stuff, the moment clock struck 7.30 PM. The inbuilt GPS in my brain quickly calibrated itself and started looking for the shortest route to Ritika’s work place. You know you are in Hyderabad, when an IT firm which is located at more than 7 kms away from yours can be reached in less than 30 minutes. I took out my phone as I took the staircase instead of the usual lifts. I called up Ritika as planned and she answered the call at the 1^st ring. “I was actually waiting for your call”, she uttered immediately. “Oh, alright! Will be there before 8, and please come out of your office”, I replied to her. I specifically asked her to come out because I knew that for a female, logging off from the office can be a time taking affair, that too when she is going out elsewhere after that.

Despite of being stickler for punctuality, it never worked in my favor. It took Ritika another 5 minutes and 3 calls to finally arrive outside her office. There was a hint of makeup on her face. I checked out her carryon bag, and wondered what all she kept in there. “How should I sit, I mean one-sided or cross legged?” she asked me even before exchanging pleasantries. “Sit in whatever way that makes you comfortable. I don’t mind anything”, I replied as she wasn’t yet my girlfriend and her seating posture as a pillion rider was certainly not my call. She was still confused and took a moment to decide. I could not comprehend what went across her mind, but she decided to sit one-sided, the way most of the woman prefer to in India. This was followed by an awkward silence for the next 10 minutes until we reached the closest CCD. I was extra cautious, drove slowly and ensured that every bump or pot-hole on our way met utmost respect which I otherwise never cared for.

“So, whats up”, I asked her as soon as we took the corner table for two. Before she could respond to it, the server appeared in a whiff with a menu in his hand. “What would like to order sir”, he asked with a fake smile and a weird accent which certainly wasn’t Indian. While I was still fiddling with the menu, in order to scan the menu to sort the items with their prices in ascending order, she spoke out. “I will have a Café latte, with a spoon of sugar; double cheese vegetable grilled sandwich and a glass of iced water. And how about you Gaurav?” I sat there with my jaws and eyes wide open, as none of the syllables which she just spoke for her order made any sense to me. “Do you like cold coffee? Try out their Café frappe, it’s amazing”, she suggested me sensing my unfamiliarity about the pretentious items in the menu. I could only blabber a “Yeah, sure. Sounds good”. The server vanished the second his Café’s business rose manifold times by the senseless order of overpriced items. “Cold coffee?” I thought. “Do I come across as a cold person that she recommended me a cold coffee”.

“I am amazed why haven’t we done this earlier. I have met you so many times, but you have never come across as such a warm person”, she started the conversation.

“I guess it’s the hot coffee speaking. I am otherwise always warm. And I thought that was the reason you ordered a cold coffee for me.” I replied to her with my some humor added with a pinch of sarcasm.

“No I mean, we never met casually. How is your work and how your new role is treating you”. She certainly did her homework as there were not many people who knew about my elevated role in my organization.

“All is cool. Am getting used to it”, I replied to her.

She went on talking about her job, her family, colleagues and her friends. What she did not speak about was her boyfriend with whom she was engaged. In another 30 minutes, I knew the names of her siblings, her relatives both closed and distant ones and also about her pet dog. We went on having a marathon conversations over the next 1 hour and I noticed how hapless the store server looked at us, as he noticed us ordering nothing after our 1^st order. She sounded not only genuine, but affectionate and passionate about how she treated things in her life. My likening, respect for her increased manifold times after our 1^st formal conversation over a cup odd Café’ latte.

Chapter 5: The kiss.

She did not mention anything about the job hunt she was upto as alleged by Rashi. I started to give the whole episode of consulting Rashi for my relationship with Ritika a second thought. Now she appeared to me as a overzealous wife of a close buddy who certainly was not at ease with the kind of attention Ritika received at office. Our first date at coffee was nothing beyond a cup of pure, harmless and plutonic coffee. It did strengthen out bond for which I had been striving hard for quite sometime. We bid adieu to each other. I asked her to text me once she reached home safe and sound. I received a text late in the night and it said “Thank you for spending such a lovely time with me.

Less than a week later, Ritika called me back, she sounds low and emotionally drained. We met this time at a food court. She showed me text messages from her boyfriend who not only doubted her, but also abused her verbally. So, the part of Raashi’s version that she was engaged was true, but certainly she was not happy. I don’t know why but somewhere deep down I was happy that she was not happy in her relationship. She came down to seek my advice regarding her relationship’s state of affairs. I don’t know what that meant, but prioritizing me over her other close friends, did made me feel elevated. I am kind of person, who doesn’t believe in giving free advices unless its someone who matters a world to me. Ritika somehow seemed a miniature world for me and I could fathom the thought of spending the rest of my life with her.

I asked her more about her fiancée’. As she spoke and opened up about him, the guy seemed to be a disgusting, repelling, weird and a cranky asshole. And I concluded to this, by listening to her version of story. I told her what exactly she wanted to listen, “Break up with him. Let him go. You have every right to lead the way you want to, good or bad, its your choice. Noone, I mean no one can mess with that”. It was a concerned male talking to a female friend. I asked her to do the needful in a right way and slowly coaxed her into making a call to him. She took out her phone, dialed the number and looked at me. “Its ringing. What should I tell him”, she asked me in a hushed tone. “Just tell him everything. Vent out your anger. Tell him it is over”. I told her.

As she spoke on the phone, she shuddered and held my shoulders tightly. She needed to be comforted and I took her hands into mine, just as to reassure that I was there for her. As she spoke to her fiancée’ the dreaded words that it-was-over-between-them, tears started to roll from her eyes. She cut the call in a haste and turned towards me with her chin down and eyes full of tears. I had no idea how to comfort a girl who was inconsolable after her breakup. She was still holding my hand and in another instant hugged me. I looked around to check, if anyone saw us indulging in a public display of affection. She continued to sob further, and it was at that juncture that I could feel the pain she might have been going through. A person whom she loved, dreamt of spending the life together was gone, in a whiff. The thought made me emotionally overwhelmed and I caressed her shoulders to make her feel better. Never speak a word and keep mum if you are not sure what to speak when consoling a girl. I had no idea what to blabber and this is the 1^st thing I spoke out, “Look Ritika, I haven’t known you from long, but what I have known of you so far, I just want to say that no matter what happens, I will be there for you; FOREVER”. It seemed to come straight out of a romantic novel, but I had all intentions of abiding by what I just spoke. However, I was proved wrong a few months later.

We decided to bury this incident once and for all. And it was primarily because I thought that Ritika had decided to move on and it also created a kind of awkward scenario for me. I could never have a relationship leave alone love interest in a woman who was already engaged. I had an undeclared support for the universal bro code, and I liked to adhere to it. I was surprised how quickly she sprang out of the momentary period of distress which one goes through after a breakup. She moving on quicker, also meant that she started spending more time with me. What started with once in a week visit to CCD suddenly escalated to weekend shopping sprees, movies and lunch/dinner thereafter. She made sure that she paid for her own expenses and I liked this distinct quality in her, it made her look independent. And I completely respected her for that.

We knew we liked each other, loved spending time with each other and there was unspoken bond between us. While we breached the barriers of proximity every another day, the feelings reached its long impending pinnacle 2 days before my birthday. While I was still contemplating a gift for her, she asked me to pick her up from office on a Friday night. It was dinner as usual and as I took out of my bike out of parking to drop her to her hostel, she looked around in the deserted parking lot, and gave a peck on my left cheek.  I was still holding onto my bike and was in a perplexed situation. I had no idea what that meant, but I did not want to ruin it by talking about it. While I showed minimal excitement, the physical proximity had made me forget all my day’s tiredness. The action oozed so much energy within me, that I could have ran a marathon at that very moment.

I drove slowly, just as to spend more time with her. As we reached closer to her hostel, she placed her hands over my shoulders, moved closer and said “Its such a wonderful weather, lets go to Hussain Sagar, anyways you still have to treat me with the ice-cream you promised me last week”. I could feel her breath, the cologne she wore and that brought in goose-bumps. I wished and secretly hoped that this all led to where all men want to be, at some point with the lady they loved. And I was all ready and excited to move to the next level. By the way I never promised her anything about the ice-cream. Had it been any other day and any other person, I would have in all probability refuted any plans to go to Hussain Sagar lake which was more than 15kms away, just to have an ice-cream. Having scored a distinction in Economics, the plan made absolutely no sense economically; you end up burning fuel worth more than the price of ice-cream. It was preposterous proposition.

As I took a U turn and drove towards the lake, she tugged in closer to me. While this sounds as a very fascinating prospective, things were actually not very comfortable. The man within me asked me to keep calm and enjoy the moment. We walked along the lake in silence as we reached over there. The silence, the serenity and the presence of the lady who offlate had become the center-stage of my thoughts, made us walk closer. Her hands accidently brushed mine and I decided to make the most out of it. I held her hand the next moment, as I decided to take my chances. She did not make any effort to move away her fingers. As I caressed her hand, our fingers intertwined and it was at that moment, she took away her hand, and turned towards me. As she stood inches away from me, my heart thumped all along. “This is all so clichéd, holding hands”, she said and laughed at it. I could have kissed her right at that moment, but I chickened out. “Well, clichés are there for a reason”, I replied to her and kept looking at her. “You are one crazy idiot”, she spoke as she smiled, came closer and hugged me. That was it, I could feel me shivering with ecstasy as the person I have been craving all along was there with me, literally. I felt like shouting at the top of my voice that I got what I have been longing for so long.

For a woman hugging forms a very important and exclusive part of love making, while men always want an excuse to go further. As she tried to snuggled further, I decided to take my chances; move back a bit and did what I have been planning for a really long time. She closed her eyes, as I kissed her. My excitement riveted to its utmost pinnacle as we continued to kiss under the open sky, unwary of the world around us. It was a couple of minutes into the act that the fact of kissing publicly dawned upon to me. Though I never intended to do it, but I finally relented to my mind which made me fear the moral policing which is prevalent across India. Its totally cool to piss in public, but kissing is considered as an offence. I had no plans to show up on front page in next morning’s newpapers, so came to my senses and moved my hands off her. Though initially taken aback, Ritika realized the same and we decided to head back to our respective homes. As I drove, she leaned onto me and held me tightly. Though we did not speak a word, I cascaded through a series of emotions. My 1^st kiss with Ritika left me high and dry, and its after effects were better than even smoking a pot.

I dropped her near her hostel. As I started to leave, contrary to earlier occasions, she pulled me closer to her today and planted a passionate kiss again. As she sprang back to the stairs, she whispered a “I think I love you” in my ear. I had no idea where it came from, but the lady just proposed me. I knew it was moving way to fast, but you forget the pace and nothing at all matters to you when you are knee deep in love. I knew I loved her, I need not have second thoughts about it. I called her up the moment I reached home. We spoke nonchalantly over the next 2 hours, till she decided to crash out onto her bad.

I woke up the next morning with her call. “Good morning mister, how was your night” she chirped. I looked at the watch, and we had hardly slept for 5 hours. I was amazed as how she managed to sound so cool despite of a lack of sleep. I was groggy and cranky, and opening my mouth and maneuvering my tongue to say something was last thing in my mind. But the incidents of last night made me gleam and brought a sudden spike in my tone. “So, what next. Where does this go to”, she asked. I was startled when confronted with this ambiguous riddle. I had no idea how to reciprocate the question. Did she refer to the incidents of the previous night by “this” ?. “Are we dating”, she probed further sensing my disability to decipher coded language. “I think so, aren’t we”, I replied diplomatically. “I CANNOT believe that I am dating you. Seriously I have to raise my standards”, she tried to diffuse a joke and laughed hysterically at her sense of humor. I wasn’t amused. I followed it up with a silent treatment. “Hey, I was kidding. Guys donot sulk, only I am supposed to do that”, she spoke with a stern voice. “I am not sulking, I am sleepy”, I replied to her. “Oh really sir ? You are sleepy enough to even talk to your girlfriend”, she said in a flirtiest and a sensuous tone and I gave in. I laid on my bed for the next 1 hour, talking everything from her upcoming shopping expedition which even I was supposed to join now, to her obsession with Hindi soaps and some other shitty Bollywood movies.

Chapter 6: When we were together.

As we spent most of the time together, I decided to join in her quest to find a new job for her. “ I really want you to meet my friends”, she spoke out of blue. “What ? Why ?, I mean I have already met most of your friends”, I spoke with a genuine concern. I was unsure of which friend she all of sudden was referring about. “I meant my friends from school, who are the closest to me. I want them to see that a boyfriend could be like you too”, she spoke with some what pride in her voice. “Did she just compliment me or was it a sarcasm”, I thought as I was still trying hand to understand her. She had recently joined her school’s whatapp group and wanted me to present as an ideal boyfriend to their old friends. I was perplexed, as I never took much cognizance of my friends over any virtual platform. I was skeptical about the whole idea but decided to play along. “Sure, I would love to meet them too.”

The pursuit to find a new job for my girlfriend meant pinging friends/acquaintance and colleagues from my past, with whom I have lost contacts. However, I decided to keep my ego on the backburner with a sole intention to rise and shine in the eyes of Ritika. The usage of apps like facebook/google took a back seat and suddenly there was a spike in the number of times I opened LinkedIn and Naukri’s app every day. While Miss. Congeniality worried about her future, cribbed about it, I decided to get to the root cause; edited her resume and worked on getting her a new job as soon as possible. Over the next 1 month, the continual search of her job, brought us closer, and we explored remote contours of each other’s personalities. We literally lived in, with spending as much time as we could together after our day’s work at respective workplaces. It’s a subject worth studying, the subject of how an individual starts finding flaws and problems when it gets what it wanted all along in its possession. And it’s a mutual digression which happens. The first signs of troubles showed when I was giving her a usual pep talk before one of her interviews. She was already nervous having not cleared the earlier interviews, and this pep talk was not helping her either. I love talking, especially blabbering anything which I feel might motivate/inspire/encourage the person at the opposite end, though the matter of the fact is that I never get self-inspired. 30 seconds with my verbal diarrhea and Ritika shot back saying “Look Gaurav, how many times should I tell you that I need some silence. I cannot listen to your blabber all the time. Sometimes you speak utter nonsense”. It was a truth, but was a big lump to swallow in. If this was not bad, I instinctively decided to desert her after saying a “All the best”, making her feel miserable for what she spoke. Like a desert, I cooled down even before reaching my home, realized the gravity of situation and texted apologies and best wishes to Ritika, but I knew that the damage had been done and the dent is still out there.

There was an obvious change in her behavior from that particular day. Though we spoke the very next day, but the spark was missing. The girl who called me 15 times a day, suddenly started giving excuses for being busy. She had started getting second thoughts about the entire relationship all together. Moreover, the stress of a never ending hunt for the job made her digress from her normal behavior. I with a lot of ego imbibed all around my personality, did not take this on a right note. There was an air of skepticism every time I met her from then onwards. We had started to build a bubble of discomfort which was just waiting to burst any moment.

Keeping things aside, I decided to woo her off from her feet on her birthday. I wanted to try it one more time as leaving her in her turbulent times was certainly out of question for me. “Wow, they are soooo pretty. I love them” Ritika exclaimed with extreme joy. The glitter in her eyes did corroborate her statements. The efforts which I had put in over the last few days completely paid off. Her smile was way too compelling and I tried hard not to kiss her. Her light pink formal shirt complimented the crystal blue pendant. I fell in love with her once again. She acted as if blushing when I kept staring at her for a few seconds and said “Its already late mister, don’t have some wild thoughts. Let’s go”. Still looking in her eyes, I said “Would you mind sharing some more time with me tonight? Please”. The formal request did startle her, but raising her eye brows and her collar at the sametime, she replied “Hmmm, let me think. Hell yeah”. It was heartening to see that her sense of humor was still intact. We drove to the same place, where I had kissed her for the 1^st time, and took the exact same spot. However, this time I just sat and made her sit beside me. With our hands in hands and finger intertwined, I decided to pop up a question. “Why is it that I love you so much”, I spoke in a monotonous tone, as I kept staring at the lake. She looked at me and replied “Its just not you, I don’t understand this. But everyone who meets me once starts liking me to an utmost extent”. “Wow, she’s generalizing me that whole lot of people. She, who I had zeroed upon to spend my life with”, I thought. I had a mist in my eyes and kept looking away. I knew this was inevitable, sooner or later,  this relationship was destined for a doom. I did not want to make an issue of what she said on her birthday, so I kept quite and decided to instead go to our respective homes. She sensed my changed behavior and hugged me tightly, as I bid her good night. She calmly game a peck on my right check and asked “What is it that you are upset about “. I ignored her question and lied that it was enormous work load at office which has keeping me on tenterhooks. Though not convinced, she decided to buy my story.

Chapter 7: The realization.

“I got to see Haider, heard its Vishal’s best direction ever. And how can you miss a movie which boasts of Tabu, KK and Irrfan.” I literally pleaded over the phone. Going solo for a movie has always been a choice for me, but I wanted Ritika to look at what I thought would be a cinematic experience with great finesse. “Lets see. I have a lot of things on my plate. Will let you know”, is how she replied and hung up the call. The seats filling upto brim with every hour made me panic and I called her up again. “I am booking the tickets for tonight at 10 PM. I really really want to see this movie and I want you to come with me.” I pleaded as if my life depended on it. “Why you do all always do it. Push things down my throat ? You cannot control my life. Who are you to do that ?” she reciprocated in a rather harsh tone. My heart skipped a bit and I paused for a moment as it took some time for me to sink in the fact that she accused me of being pushy towards her. “OK, fine.”, I replied and hung up. I switched off my phone as I had no intention of confronting her after this incident. I realized how things were getting difficult with ever temperamental Ritika and I had decided to call it quits. A number of thoughts churned in my head and I switched on my phone after half an hour. She called me the moment my phone booted up.

“What the hell is wrong with you. This is how you are going to be around me forever. 1 moment of momentary outburst and you escape off. How many times should I tell you are my last best shot, I cannot afford losing you”, she said with fumbling voice and I could make out the fact that she had started crying. The volcano of ego and the bundles of anger melted faster than ice. I felt guilty of making my girl cry, yet again. We talked and made up over phone over the next 10 minutes. In those 10 minutes, I also cajoled into companying me for the movie for which she readily agreed now. She asked me to pick her up from her place an hour before the movie started.

I called her up at 8 PM, 2 hours before the movie started. I called her up early just to ensure that she gets ready on time and we don’t rush in and miss trailers for upcoming movies. “Hey, I will pick you up in an hour. And get your jerkin along you with. You were freezing in the theatre the last time”, I asked her. “Oh, yeah. I almost forgot that we have to go for this movie. Look I won’t be able to come. Did I tell you that a friend of mine who is a manager now, has offered me a job in his company. And we old friends planned to celebrate this tonight”, she spoke in a single go. I was almost numbed as the words poured in my ears. I looked around for a chair, sat down, calmed myself and spoke to her. “First, when did this job offer come ? You never told me about it. And you confirmed me to book the tickets less than 10 hours earlier. Atleast you could have bothered to inform about you change in plans”. Missing the movie still worried me more than happiness of she finally finding  herself a job. “You don’t get it. Jasmeet tried his level best and pulled off this job position just for me. And I cannot say a NO to him”, she tried to reason herself. My face had turned red as someone had slapped across my face a couple of times. I was mighty pissed. “So, what do you want me to do ? See the movie alone”, I asked her. “You used to do that all the time before or ask you friend to join you. I will return you my share of my ticket”, she said in a rather irritated voice. If the change in plan was not enough to upset me, she hurt further by offering the refund for the ticket, what was I ? a ticket agent ?. “You know what? Showing off to new people is all you like. You never care about the people around you. And this is how YOU are”, I told her as I vent my anger at her and hung the call. This was perhaps the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. I paced up and down the corridor to let the feelings settle in. I was nauseating and wanted to throw up. I decided to go for a walk to pacify my anger. As I walked down the street, I bought Malboro lights and lighted it up. As I took in the 1^st puff of smoke, the nicotine kicked in and I felt better. It was irony that it was a movie where we met for the 1^st time, it was again a Hindi movie which had made us drift miles apart.

I called her up the next morning, the moment I woke up. She took the call but kept mum. I apologized to her for my abrupt behavior the previous night. She said it was fine and she would call me back in sometime. She never called me back that day and was the last time ever that she took my call. I called her a number of times thereafter, sent texts and messages on whatsapp, which though were read, but conveniently ignored. The deliberate attempt to ignore me got on my nerve and I decided to play along. While my brain asked me to forget her and instead concentrate on my career, my heart pleaded me to try and sort out things. 2 days later, I succumbed to the pressure built in my heart and I texted her yet again over whatsapp.

I : “Hey”

Ritika : “Yes”

I : “Is that you are upset or angry at me or you have been ignoring me all this time”. I wanted to bring the matter straight away onto the table.

Ritika : “Look I have been very busy all this time. And just because you were calling me again and again, I decided to do the instead, not talk to you at all”.

Alright, so she way busy all this time. And what had I been doing, when I visited every nook and corner of my network, just as to find a right job for her. Her sudden change of stance, the moment she landed onto a new job and her illogical excuses further weakened my resolute to make up with her.

Ritika : “I don’t know why I always get guys like this. I will call you back later”, she hurried off the call after her complaint.

 “Guys like me, the same guy she wanted to introduce to her parents and her closest friends.” I thought.

I thought of tossing my phone over from my 5^th floor apartment, and instead flunked in over my rack with a violent force. The 3 year old smart phone found the force too hard to sustain and a crack appeared on it screen. When my personal life was going haywire, even the gadget whom I loveed all along decided to break apart. I pulled out the pack of cigarette I brought earlier in the day and let nicotine be my partner in distress.

Chapter 8: All’s over.

A month later

There was not a single hour in the last 1 month that her thought did not crop in my mind. And every time, her thought came in I felt restless and cursed myself for voluntarily getting into the mess in the 1^st place. My professional life went for a toss and my work suffered. No matter how hard I tried, my sub-conscious mind was lost in looking for an answer, trying to figure out the exact reason for such a happening.

Few days later, my phone rang in middle of a meeting. I quickly turned the ringer off on my smart device. It was a call from an unknown number. Before the “true caller” could weave its magic and determine who the unknown person calling was, I realized it was her. It all happened in less than a second. I took a deep breath. I was in middle of an all important client pitch, where I was on my way to clinch a million dollar deal for my firm. The call shook me. Someone, who decided to cut off all contacts, suddenly decides to call me. What could it be ? Like a Abbas-Mastan hindi film potboilers, the situation took a sudden turn and within in a minute, my ex’s call superseded my client’s requirements. After wasting a minute on speculating, I realized that this would not help and instead I should reach out to the root of the matter. I excused myself for break and instead of heading towards the break out area, I made my way to the lobby, where I could talk in privacy. It was the very same place, where less than a month back she proposed and 2 weeks back told me how much she missed me. I decided to not to look back and revisit the moments, and instead call her.

Without a hesitation, I dialed her number. As the phone started to ring, my heart beat elevated. Could it be another such incident where I kept calling her like a jerk, while she keep ignoring it. I sensed some trouble, and panic started to grip me from within. I sent her a text asking her if she was alright on whatspp. The biggest benefit of a whatsapp chat is the double ticks confirm you that your message has been read by the intended person. And the same thing happened that moment too. She did read my messages. I waited for minute for the typing sign to start up, but that did not happen. After waiting for a couple of minutes, I called her up again. To my shock and amazement, her phone was busy as the subscriber on the other end was busy on some other call. Within a split second, the panic within me transformed me into disgust. I was taken aback. Still, I kept cool and sent another text to let me know when she was free and call back whenever she gets time.

I kept looking at my cell phone every other minute, almost screwed up the client pitch( my team mates made up for the lack of aggression I showed on stage), but neither a reply not call came from her. I was confused, as to why would she even call me, was it to play a prank at me or show it to her friends, how a guy still fanatically loved her, after all she was such a lovable person (exactly her words).  I skipped the dinner at the  5 star hotel, which the client had paid for and instead decided to head for my home early. I needed to shake off my head a bit, and a smoke was the first that popped in my head.

I bought a pack of cigarettes, lighted up one and headed for my home. I did not change, but instead lied on my bed, eyes facing the ceiling. I did not knew what I was upto, what games God was playing with me. I was unsure, skeptical and also some what disgusted of my mere existence. As I looked up, I lighted another cigarette. If you thought, cigarette cleared off your mind and helped you to settle down, you are gravely mistaken. It messed me up further and I decided to confront her, one of the worst things I could have ever decided had I been sane. I lighted up another 3 cigarettes in quick succession, and the increased nicotine  levels did nothing to stop me committing another mistake of my life.

I took a hot shower, courtesy the summer, changed myself and headed down. I sped off on my 2 wheeler to the place where she lived, parked my bike a couple of houses before and waited for her. As my bad luck continued, she started from her house to her workplace, in the next couple of minutes. That was it, the moment of truth, I had to confront her. Was she dating somebody else, was the call just to tease me, make me feel the ever excruciating pain, or did she miss me, was she facing some personal trouble. I number of questions further clogged my head. As she passed by, she almost ignored me until I waived my hand and asked her to stop. Before I could utter a words, her 1st words were “I am already late for my office, what is the matter”. What the fuck is the matter, is what I thought within my mind. “Why did you call me in the morning”, I probed immediately coming to the matter. “I did not”, was blunt straight forward reply, something which I never anticipated. “I have a missed call on my phone”, I argued. “It would have gone by mistake”, she replied calmly. “Ok, then did you see your messages, the frantic calls I made. I know you don’t give a fucking damn about others, especially me now as your work is done. Just get the fuck out of here”. She made a weird face, I turned my back on her. I started off my bike and sped off to where I came from. Water kept rolling off my eyes all though the distance. My shades did nothing to hide them. They were genuine emotions. I wiped off my eyes, parked my bike and ran off to my room. I was shivering, felt a huge lump in my throat which was neither letting me swallow anything, nor letting me puke it out.

I looked myself in the mirror. A man was not supposed to cry, and I did just the opposite. Did that make me less of a man, I did not care now, and I certainly absolutely did not give a fucking damn about idealities. I locked myself in the bathroom, opened the shower, sat along the wall and let everything go. As the blast of hot water continued to pour over my dry skin and ran through my body, I could feel a lot lighter. I sat in there for the next 20 minutes, letting it all out. I had to, the feelings, the emotions, the respect for someone, who certainly is a stranger now. I sat there thinking where I went wrong, but just like crying did not make me less of a man, I knew that I was never wrong. I did what I had to, and she did what she had to. Rest is karma, and as they say Karma is a bitch.